•July 1, 2016 • Leave a Comment

Where to begin, again.

Life is a series of starts.  Do we ever actually finish anything?

So many things I thought were going better that apparently just aren’t.  Am I this blind to my life, this blind to my actions, this blind to the person I am?  Maybe I didn’t stay alone long enough, it’s so difficult for me to be (alone), maybe I didn’t take advantage of that as much as I should have.

How do I know when I’m right? I thought I had a good grasp on that.  But everything that I feel like I had a good grasp on just falls down around my ears eventually.  Life is a series of trying.

Starts.  I want to have a kid, for lots of reasons, probably some selfish reasons but I know (do I know?) that they’re not all selfish.  So maybe I should just do it, instead of trying to bring someone else into that circle.  Maybe all those years of only relying on myself and cutting everyone else off was the gateway I needed to go through.

I wanted to post on Facebook the other day, and ask everyone who would answer what things they did, actions they took, motions and rituals they went through, that made them feel like they were living their best life.  I felt I was very much in a place where I could start focusing on ideas like that.  Refocusing on spirituality.  Refocusing on my home.  Refocusing on my career.  But apparently I’m not done focusing on myself.  Or maybe that’s something that’s never done?  Maybe I got away from it too much.

Life has no manual.  How, when we feel on every level that we are doing right, that we are doing well, do we know and learn that we are not, in fact, and instead are doing something terribly wrong, and being the worst human ever?


I have been tired, just tired, of living.  For probably twenty years now.  It goes away for awhile, it always comes back.  Does that, like most other things in life, never end?



•September 17, 2015 • Leave a Comment

It’s kind of amazing, how things change from one moment to the next, and how lives change without even noticing, until it’s already done.

When I look at myself even as recently as a year ago, I start to say it seems like I’m a different person, but that’s not the case.  I’m the same person… I’m just more ME than I ever have been.  More me than I ever thought I would be.  The depths to which I know and understand myself and the lengths to which I’ve come to accept myself.  This is who I am, and it’s okay, and in some ways it’s even awesome.  I’m a strong female, I’m a giant dork, I’m a water baby, I love Mother Earth and hate modern politics.  All of these things are just a tiny part of who I am and they’re all great, there’s so much more to learn but that’s all great too.  Some parts of me that I didn’t like so much before I’ve learned to accept and work with.  Some parts of me I don’t like at all I’ve started to work on and change.

…I can think of myself, and for the first time in over 33 years begin to start to say that in some teensy little ways I am beginning to love my self.  I can’t look me in the eye in a mirror and say it.  I can’t tell myself things like I’m beautiful and worthwhile and whatever and truly believe them.  But to have gotten to this step, to this fork in the road, to have triumphed over the depression and the borderline personality disorder and the PTSD enough to get here…  I’m sorry, but that’s a fucking amazing accomplishment, and I’m proud of it.

Of course there’s still so much I need to work on.  But that’s okay.

There’s still plenty of days I feel in limbo.  There are still big things I’m unsure about, if I’m taking the right path.  And it’s so difficult for me to just sit back and let things happen as they will, as I know I should.  There are things I want back that I think maybe I shouldn’t want back, maybe it’d be better for me if I just let them go.  But it’s impossible to keep my head separate from my heart, and vice versa.

And, on a completely different note, I always feel like I don’t thank people enough.  The people who have stuck by me even when I didn’t deserve it, and was not only a bad friend, but a bad person.  The ones who have and keep pushing me to be my best and make the decisions that will make me happy instead of the ones that will make others happy.  The people who, every day, make me feel like my life is worth continuing and that I am worth something, even if it’s not to the right person yet.  Thank you.

More to come.  I have so much to say and I run out of words.

He said, she said

•August 13, 2015 • Leave a Comment

He said “You have to start by being honest with yourself.”

He said “You can never love someone else if you don’t love yourself.”

He said “Everyone loves in different ways – and it’s part of a relationship to learn how the other person loves, and accept how they are showing their love to you, because 9 times out of 10 it’s not going to be the same type of love that you give.”

He broke my mind, and everything I had believed about myself started to slough off, fading away like ink on my skin from the Sunday newspaper, washing down the drain.  Not like the ink that stays.  The reminders I’ve given to myself of lives past, the reminders I give to myself of everyday important things.  Life, transformation, creativity, friends.  Things that matter.

Now, a week later, I haven’t let go of those things immediately like I had in the past, but I am having a hard time holding on to them today.  My counselor suggested that I write – not only the good things that I wanted to hold on to, but the reminders of how things had gotten so bad in the first place.

There are things I know I need from my significant other.  A few of those things I definitely wasn’t getting, and I don’t know how much of that was my fault and how much wasn’t but it was there.  I need the emotional closeness.  I need the words of affirmation, the intimacy and the touch.  I need those things.  And I don’t think that’s an unrealistic expectation from a relationship.

More on this later.  I can’t think straight.

A clearing

•August 7, 2015 • Leave a Comment

What now.  What to do now.

Or do I do nothing, just sit back and wait?

If patience is waiting, observing, and time

How does one ever move forward.

Card of the day 10/29/14

•October 30, 2014 • Leave a Comment

6 of swords

Six of Swords Tarot Card Meanings Keywords

Upright: Regretful but necessary transition, rite of passage

Reversed: Cannot move on, carrying baggage

Six of Swords Tarot Card Meanings and Description

Six of Swords Tarot Card Meanings tarot card meaning

The Six of Swords depicts a woman and a young child being rowed across a body of water towards a land that lies not far ahead. The woman’s head is covered, indicating sadness or loss as she moves away from something in her past. The water to the right of the boat is turbulent but the water to the left and near the land to which they are journeying is calm and steady. Although there is an indication of change or loss in the Six of Swords, and therefore a sense of moving away from something, there is also a sense of moving towards a more promising future. The calm waters in the distance suggest that the woman and child are now moving away from turmoil and conflict toward peace and tranquillity, even though they are both sad to leave behind their pasts. In the boat are six upright swords, symbolising the power of a rational mind over the heart and the intuition.

Upright Six of Swords Tarot Card Meanings

The Six of Swords shows that you will need to make a regretful transition, as a likely result of the decisions you make. You know that in order to move forward, you must leave something important behind, and while you do this with some regret, you know that in the long-term it is the best option for you. There are times when you will be forced to let go of something to which you have been attached, and the process of letting go is often quite challenging. However, the sadness of your loss will soon be replaced by greater clarity, bringing about a renewed acceptance of change. Do not be afraid to let go of whatever it is that is holding you in the present or the past. Instead look to your future and choose the best option that has the greatest long-term potential. There are going to be some hard decisions and some compromises that you will need to make but this is ultimately a ‘rite of passage’ that will take you into a new phase of your life. (*Note: This directly correlates with the big shift that I’ve been feeling.  All of it.)

You need to realise that you are now headed towards a much better position in life. You have endured, or are currently enduring, a difficult life transition but as a result, you will be more able to deal with what may come. Do not dwell on the past or what you have left behind. Instead, use this as an opportunity for changing your beliefs about yourself, moving away from whom you used to be and towards whom you really want to be.

Sometimes the only way to solve life’s problems is to leave them behind you and go somewhere new to start over. While it may feel as though you are giving up or being a coward, escape is often the only approach left when all others have failed. The important thing now is that you chart a new course that will lead to greater happiness and joy. The Six of Swords also shows the need to draw upon a state of mental clarity, logic and objectivity in order to examine where you have been and where you are going. This mental clarity will also serve to smooth the way ahead, and make the passage from negative to positive as peaceful as possible. You can use your intuition to guide you through easy situations and call upon your impartial and analytical nature when it is needed for a more complex decision.

The Six of Swords can also indicate a state of depression or ‘the blues’. You are doing your best to just get through each day as it comes, not particularly enjoying what it has to offer but not really giving up either. You may feel listless, lacking energy and motivation, and somewhat depressed. You are getting by but only just.

More literally, the Six of Swords can indicate a trip across water (for example, via a ferry, boat, or plane overseas). There may be some sadness in terms of who you will need to leave behind you but you know that this trip will do you a world of good! An example might be someone who is about to travel on their own, leaving behind a partner who they will sorely miss. You may also be required to make a longer-term move from one location to another, where you will leave behind friends and family in order to explore or experience a new territory. Again, while you will miss those you leave behind, you will also find that you have an amazing time on your travels and will learn so much about yourself.

Card of the day 10/28/14

•October 30, 2014 • Leave a Comment

2 of Pentacles reversed –

“Reversed Two of Pentacles Tarot Card Meanings

Two of Pentacles Tarot Card Meanings tarot card meaning

In your day-to-day life, the reversed Two of Pentacles suggests that you are very busy and at times you struggle to manage your activities and commitments. You may also be struggling to manage your finances and to stay on top of paying bills and keeping abridge of other financial commitments. The stress is getting to you and you are becoming easily overwhelmed by your responsibilities. Therefore, this card encourages you to become more organised and more planned in your approach. You may need to bring a little more structure to your day-to-day affairs, through budgets, ‘to do’ lists, forward planning or diary and effective time management. Life is certainly a juggling act, so make sure you are on top of everything you need to be!

The reversed Two of Pentacles can be a clear indicator that you are not managing your work and family commitments. It is more than likely you are investing most of your time in work, neglecting your family or your partner. While you may be able to get away with a couple of late nights at work, there will come a time when enough is enough and you will need to make a choice. Something has got to give!

Additionally, the Two of Pentacles reversed indicates that you are finding it hard to manage your finances and your cash flow may be quite unpredictable. Now is the time to start a budget and stick to it.

In a relationship reading, the reversed Two of Pentacles advises you not to over-commit, particularly on a more physical / logistical / material plane. Do not commit to too many plans as a couple at this stage or make any financial commitments together. Watch your spending and also how you manage your time. You may find that you get caught up with work or other commitments at this time which distracts your attention from your relationship. It will all come down to where your priorities lie and whether you want to let other commitments interfere with your relationship, or vice versa.”

~ Rings true, except for that last part.  Overwhelmed, yes.  Recently started a budget and backing off from responsibilities that aren’t mine.  I know I have an issue with ‘taking work home with me’ and that’s something I need to work on for both of our sakes.

Also, while I was shuffling, this card jumped out at me:

“Four of Swords Tarot Card Meanings and Description

Four of Swords Tarot Card Meanings tarot card meaning

The Four of Swords depicts the effigy of a knight lying upon a tomb. His hands are in the position of prayer and the tomb sits within a church. The stained glass behind the statue depicts a woman and child together. One sword lies beneath the knight, symbolising that there is only one key issue that is dominating your life at this time. Three further swords hang above him, pointing downwards.

Upright Four of Swords Tarot Card Meanings

The Four of Swords shows a period of rest and recovery after a time of challenge, with the promise that, once recovered, you can and will return to the challenge. In the meantime, the Four of Swords provides a new challenge – to stay silent and inactive. This is the time build up your mental strength. Meditate and spend time in a calm atmosphere. You need to replenish your strength and spend time in spiritual thinking. You need to rest and relax.

The Four of Swords is a reminder that after every crisis and before every new challenge, there is always a time of relaxation and contemplation. Constant stress and tension will break even the hardest and most resilient of people but brief periods of rest enable you to refresh your energy, concentration and focus, ready for the next challenge. These rests should be used wisely, to heal the body and ready the mind.

The Four of Swords is also a sign that you can stop worrying, put down your defences and take a breather from the chaos around you. For the moment there is a truce and you can catch your breath without being attacked again. However, bear in mind that a truce and peace are not the same thing. The Four of Swords is a guarantee that challenges will return to your life as soon as you are ready to face them, so make the most of the stillness and quiet you have earned but never lose sight of the fact that the battle is not yet over, and that there is still work to be done.

This card suggests that now is the time to rest from some difficult times, perhaps the trauma of breakup or departure, relationship or family problems, financial and health worries, stress and conflict. Take a break. This is also not the time to make decisions, particularly when you are at your most vulnerable.

The Four of Swords suggests the need for seclusion. You need seclusion to deal properly with your situation and need to experience time apart from others to gather your thoughts and feelings. Following on from the painful loss of the Three of Swords, the Four of Swords indicates your need to spend time alone to re-evaluate your life. Solitude, although often difficult to bear, is necessary for you to be able to recharge your batteries and rejuvenate your spirit. This solitary experience always bears fruit in an experience of greater inner strength and confidence. Retreat from pain, conflict and distractions, and rid yourself of stress and anxiety. Ground and re-charge yourself. Look inward for a real change and meditate daily.

In a practical sense, the Four of Swords is an indicator that you need to have some time out from your current circumstances, to reflect and review your progress so far. This is a good time to re-evaluate and re-assess your priorities. It is almost like conducting your own “Post Implementation Review” following a major milestone or a major challenge. Create some time and space to reflect on what has worked well, what has not worked well and what you need to change for the future. Pausing for reflection after each major challenge will position you well for success in the future.”

I have got to start doing these posts at home, because there are so many things the cards are saying to me that I just don’t have time to dive into at work.

Work ethic

•October 27, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I’m an overachiever at work.  I always have been.  And I always blamed it on my parents, particularly my father.  You work until it’s done and then you rest or play or whatever.  And if you live life that way, you have way too much money to spend on Harleys and cars.

Unfortunately the too much money to spend on motorcycles didn’t happen for me, or at least hasn’t yet.  But the busting my ass at what I do no matter what it is I’m doing is something I don’t have a problem with and never have… at least at work.  My question to myself this morning is why does that only happen at work?  Why can’t I make the same things happen at home?  My motivation at work isn’t always there, but if there’s something that needs to be done I get it done.  How do I start viewing my home life the same way?  How do I start looking at myself as the boss I need to please to get ahead?

And as I read this I think this is part of the bigger picture shift in thinking that is going on right now.  It’s not progressed very far yet… but I am getting to the point of wanting to do things that are good for me.  I’m starting to pay more attention to myself and how I’m doing and that I am doing well instead of trying to take care of everyone around me first.  It still seems selfish to me, but a small part of me is starting to realize that sometimes in life you have to get selfish to take care of yourself, otherwise people will do anything they can to take advantage of you… even if they aren’t doing it intentionally.

I’ve picked up a copy of Codependent No More again and too much of it rings true with me.  It’s my fault that I end up in these situations… and then I get resentful of the people who I’m in these situations with.  It’s not me having to do everything, it’s that I took over doing everything and basically forced everyone else out.  It’s not them not taking care of me… it’s me not taking care of me.  No one can take responsibility for that except for myself.

So the moral of the story is that I just need to set priorities for myself at home as I do at work.  Get my mind set on a goal at home as I do at work.  I don’t have anyone to report to at home except for myself… but I need to make it just as important to appease myself as the boss of me as I make it to appease my boss at work, because it is.  Because me being the boss of me and me being me and me being happy with me is the most important thing ever.

Sappy revelation time over.