Butterfly
It’s kind of amazing, how things change from one moment to the next, and how lives change without even noticing, until it’s already done.
When I look at myself even as recently as a year ago, I start to say it seems like I’m a different person, but that’s not the case. I’m the same person… I’m just more ME than I ever have been. More me than I ever thought I would be. The depths to which I know and understand myself and the lengths to which I’ve come to accept myself. This is who I am, and it’s okay, and in some ways it’s even awesome. I’m a strong female, I’m a giant dork, I’m a water baby, I love Mother Earth and hate modern politics. All of these things are just a tiny part of who I am and they’re all great, there’s so much more to learn but that’s all great too. Some parts of me that I didn’t like so much before I’ve learned to accept and work with. Some parts of me I don’t like at all I’ve started to work on and change.
…I can think of myself, and for the first time in over 33 years begin to start to say that in some teensy little ways I am beginning to love my self. I can’t look me in the eye in a mirror and say it. I can’t tell myself things like I’m beautiful and worthwhile and whatever and truly believe them. But to have gotten to this step, to this fork in the road, to have triumphed over the depression and the borderline personality disorder and the PTSD enough to get here… I’m sorry, but that’s a fucking amazing accomplishment, and I’m proud of it.
Of course there’s still so much I need to work on. But that’s okay.
There’s still plenty of days I feel in limbo. There are still big things I’m unsure about, if I’m taking the right path. And it’s so difficult for me to just sit back and let things happen as they will, as I know I should. There are things I want back that I think maybe I shouldn’t want back, maybe it’d be better for me if I just let them go. But it’s impossible to keep my head separate from my heart, and vice versa.
And, on a completely different note, I always feel like I don’t thank people enough. The people who have stuck by me even when I didn’t deserve it, and was not only a bad friend, but a bad person. The ones who have and keep pushing me to be my best and make the decisions that will make me happy instead of the ones that will make others happy. The people who, every day, make me feel like my life is worth continuing and that I am worth something, even if it’s not to the right person yet. Thank you.
More to come. I have so much to say and I run out of words.
the soundtrack 